My Dark Cold Night

Seven thousand years ago, sweet & great lovers had been popularized in the lands of England, Kevil and Aylin.

My Kevil,

I saw you face to face, with your red lips, white skin, deep black eyes, and cute pointed nose. I love you from the bottom of my heart. You will be forever mine, just mine.                                                                                                 It's me, Aylin  

Sweet heart, Aylin,

I saw you face to face, with your long soft hair, lips that smiles all the way, pair of eyes that strangely looking at, a very sweet attitude that make me warm everytime. Aylin wherever you go, I will be here for you. My love will remain forever; even death can’t make me out of love for you.                                                                  
                                                                 Your love,  Kevil

Time passes by, days, weeks, months and years. Their relationship goes on, and fights occurred in their relationships. Now they have their shy lips to speak, and angry hearts that beat, longing for love again.

Kevil,

I never know how to say these words but I can hardly say that we have many bad times than good times together. Now I finally found myself that I fell out of love for you. I spent many nights to think what words I should say and these words are those words. I will tell you this; I really can’t imagine the two of us together again in a romance sharing. I’m really sorry, but I know you see that we don’t have any passion for this love anymore. Still I will catch those fading memories of ours in my heart even this love had been erased to me now. I don’t love you anymore. I’m really sorry.                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I'm truly sorry,  Aylin. 

Aylin,

            I was hurt when I read your letter, but if you don’t love me anymore, it’s alright, everything has an ending, I understand. Even though your heart is not open for me at all, I’m still willing to wait for you forever. I’m so down and in darkness when you sent that letter to me. I know our hearts can never be healed by now and it’s my entire fault why we separated lives, I’m sorry. Now I know you’re happy with Dave. I just wish you a happy Christmas.

                         Still here with you, Kevil

 SUICIDE NOTE:

I’d been inlove for years in a wonderful woman, I still love her much and I can’t stop loving her but she stopped. I hate myself for that, here’s my blood offered to this miserable life without her. It’s better to die than to be here alone in the dark.

He took suicide in the day of Christmas, when his body was taking a bath in his own blood. He leaves a suicide note. He died with a sorrowful heart that loved Aylin so much. 

This is me

Hmmmm….... Who is this girl who was called as Jayro, Jaryo, Jai-ho, Jai-horse, Gubat, Jhy, Snickerz, Alimango, Djire, Ja, E.K., Jarie, Zheng, Jang, Mei mei, Shobe, Bunso, Rui, or Ji-chii?

By the way that girl is me, Jireh, spelled as J.I.R.E.H. Jireh is Hebrew word which means provider. Of course for now I can’t provide you anything but my knowledge. I am a person who longs for deeper meaning of life, a girl who is adventurous after many trials in life, and a girl who is very unique in different ways. I am a very weird and moody person. And of course everyone knows how sensitive I am. As I grow up, I knew myself as loner, book worm, food addict, music lover, singer and the one who loves writing. I express myself through writing especially when I can’t speak, I used to write letters for those people I want to talk to by saying about forgiveness, thanksgiving or if ever I want to open up about my problems. That’s the way I am, kind but grouchy at times. I know people saw me as friendly, talkative and open but if they will see my true self, and my past surely they will understand why I’m like this.
At a very young age of six I lost my mom, my very precious mom. A mom who can make me stop crying before, a mom who has tireless hands to take care of me, and a mom who has endless hugs and kisses to her daughters. She died because of Breast Cancer. I hate it but maybe it is her time to go to the Father.
The rain symbolizes her to me, as if she was there whenever it’s raining. The songs” Ugoy ng duyan” and “Iingatan ka” make me cry everytime I hear them playing. But I think there is always a reason why God puts an early end in one’s life, and maybe this is a way for me to have a strong hold on Him. But after my mother died, my father married again while I was creating my own ways in life as if I don’t care if my father married again. I’m a pastor’s child, but it didn’t show before because I have a rebellious heart against my step mom. And because of that God tested me again, when my friends and I had a struggle, and because I was too weak spiritually and emotionally, I was tempted to commit suicide but because God has a lot of plans for me, He didn’t allow me to die.
I’m so thankful and when I read my Bible it says there in Proverbs 13:10” Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” And like a person had just woke up from deep sleep I realized that my life is full of pride where I can’t move freely even if I wanted. I have seen that God really loves me and even if I’m a rebel or sinner God still loves me. The song puts eloquently, ...

When the oceans rise

And thunders roar

I will soar with you above the storm

Father you are king over the flood

And I will be still know you are God.

The song "still" always reminds me that a life without measure, a life with a covering of God, is a safe life. Another song gives me greater sense of security:

Take me to that place Lord

In that secret place where

I can be with you

You can make me like you

Wrap me in your arms

Wrap me in your arms

Wrap me in your arms

The song ”Wrap me in your Arms” reminds me that the Lord is everywhere.

Before I end up, I wish you would know me and what kind of life I have. And I wish you understand why I have this kind of personality. The Jireh you knew is having a sort of being a loser but winner in God’s presence. You have known me for a while but may it be a signature of a life without success yet, but maybe in the future. You are a witness of this life full of mess but I wish you are also a witness of my pure heart longing for a life with a deeper meaning, I wish my life would be a blessing for you. God bless.

The Broken mask

The Broken mask

I want to hug you… and feel the 2824 days when I’m still with you. I want to be with you … for me to say what’s inside me… I want you right here beside me, and I want you to come back to me. The nights are dark - I can really feel I am alone. Summer, spring and winter passed - I’m still at home.

All those memories broke the mask of happiness - that fill me with SORROW… inevitably. Even though the mask was broken, I chose to still wear it, so at least even a little bit happiness I can have it.

Yes, I’m still wishing to see you soon to come with me and be mine again. I admit I’m still dreaming and thinking someday be yours again and we will never be apart from space to space…

I chase of little amount of wine and the waters in the rain. That will make me remember the day of saying goodbye to a best friend that I never thought will say goodbye. :((