Thursday, December 17, 2009

This is me


Hmmmm….... Who is this girl who was called as Jayro, Jaryo, Jai-ho, Jai-horse, Gubat, Jhy, Snickerz, Alimango, Djire, Ja, E.K., Jarie, Zheng, Jang, Mei mei, Shobe, Bunso, Rui, or Ji-chii?

By the way that girl is me, Jireh, spelled as J.I.R.E.H. Jireh is Hebrew word which means provider. Of course for now I can’t provide you anything but my knowledge. I am a person who longs for deeper meaning of life, a girl who is adventurous after many trials in life, and a girl who is very unique in different ways. I am a very weird and moody person. And of course everyone knows how sensitive I am. As I grow up, I knew myself as loner, book worm, food addict, music lover, singer and the one who loves writing. I express myself through writing especially when I can’t speak, I used to write letters for those people I want to talk to by saying about forgiveness, thanksgiving or if ever I want to open up about my problems. That’s the way I am, kind but grouchy at times. I know people saw me as friendly, talkative and open but if they will see my true self, and my past surely they will understand why I’m like this.
At a very young age of six I lost my mom, my very precious mom. A mom who can make me stop crying before, a mom who has tireless hands to take care of me, and a mom who has endless hugs and kisses to her daughters. She died because of Breast Cancer. I hate it but maybe it is her time to go to the Father.
The rain symbolizes her to me, as if she was there whenever it’s raining. The songs” Ugoy ng duyan” and “Iingatan ka” make me cry everytime I hear them playing. But I think there is always a reason why God puts an early end in one’s life, and maybe this is a way for me to have a strong hold on Him. But after my mother died, my father married again while I was creating my own ways in life as if I don’t care if my father married again. I’m a pastor’s child, but it didn’t show before because I have a rebellious heart against my step mom. And because of that God tested me again, when my friends and I had a struggle, and because I was too weak spiritually and emotionally, I was tempted to commit suicide but because God has a lot of plans for me, He didn’t allow me to die.
I’m so thankful and when I read my Bible it says there in Proverbs 13:10” Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” And like a person had just woke up from deep sleep I realized that my life is full of pride where I can’t move freely even if I wanted. I have seen that God really loves me and even if I’m a rebel or sinner God still loves me. The song puts eloquently, ...
When the oceans rise
And thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
And I will be still know you are God.
The song "still" always reminds me that a life without measure, a life with a covering of God, is a safe life. Another song gives me greater sense of security:
Take me to that place Lord
In that secret place where
I can be with you
You can make me like you
Wrap me in your arms
Wrap me in your arms
Wrap me in your arms
The song ”Wrap me in your Arms” reminds me that the Lord is everywhere.

Before I end up, I wish you would know me and what kind of life I have. And I wish you understand why I have this kind of personality. The Jireh you knew is having a sort of being a loser but winner in God’s presence. You have known me for a while but may it be a signature of a life without success yet, but maybe in the future. You are a witness of this life full of mess but I wish you are also a witness of my pure heart longing for a life with a deeper meaning, I wish my life would be a blessing for you. God bless.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Broken mask



The Broken mask

I want to hug you… and feel the 2824 days when I’m still with you. I want to be with you … for me to say what’s inside me… I want you right here beside me, and I want you to come back to me. The nights are dark - I can really feel I am alone. Summer, spring and winter passed - I’m still at home.
All those memories broke the mask of happiness - that fill me with SORROW… inevitably. Even though the mask was broken, I chose to still wear it, so at least even a little bit happiness I can have it.
Yes, I’m still wishing to see you soon to come with me and be mine again. I admit I’m still dreaming and thinking someday be yours again and we will never be apart from space to space…
I chase of little amount of wine and the waters in the rain. That will make me remember the day of saying goodbye to a best friend that I never thought will say goodbye. :((